Growing Up/Right vs. Wrong

So recently I’ve been bombarded with the intensely real notion that at some point one has to “grow up” and face reality. That there comes a time, I suppose even multiple times, when you can’t keep escaping from/ignoring all of those things that make life difficult; whether this be some external stimulation like a trying class or stressful relationship, or some internal force telling you you’re not good enough. Once you reach this point, the desperate wishes for things to be different may rush in to try and bring some sort of balance to a now turbulent thought pattern. All of those things you were oblivious to as a child suddenly sound so appealing and all of those reasons for things you did that you were told not to do, make blatant sense. Thoughts of regret creep to the surface that threatens to overwhelm the present and inevitably cloud any conclusions made about the future. No longer as competent as you once thought, every action and decision requires too much time to bring to fruition, and confidence turns to a fumbling, awkward, disaster zone. Withdrawal seems like the only way to go. Just enough time to stop and think before proceeding with at least some semblance of the elusive instinct that tells you what’s “right” from what’s “wrong”. But by who’s definition is something right or wrong? Of course there has to be some agreement among the populous regarding these things. But as soon as you start playing that game, it’s more likely than not that you quickly come to understand the meaning of the word exception. If there are numerous definitions for the words right and wrong, depending on the person you ask or the situation in question, then the task to always do the right thing seems insurmountable and you become paralyzed. Paralyzed with fear for what consequences your decisions/actions will have. Possibly how it will affect someone else more than you. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, but it’s more acceptable when you’re young and you don’t have the life experience yet. So as you get older, this safety net gets smaller and smaller, causing a dramatic increase in the pressure to do what’s right. So you look to the things around you like the people in your life who’ve been through similar situations, popular culture references that can have some smidgen of truth, or “experts” that get paid to help you on your journey. In the end it still has to come down to the individual to act in the appropriate manner, to weed out the bad advice from the good. And in the end it’s that individual who will have to own up for what happened, for better or worse.  

My Perception of Relationships

Relationships are an interesting thing.  Sexual orientation aside, they can be a real pain in the ass. However, being gay, we have get the fun of being able to date each other’s exes, adding a whole new dimension to the drama that is a relationship. Oh, and there’s way less of us too. Besides those couple differences, I agree that they’re relatively the same. It always seems like there’s some ridiculous power play occurring; that there has to be one person who’s always “on top”. That someone is always “better” than the other whether it’s only a perception or a reality. I don’t get why people can’t view themselves as equals. And I don’t mean by looks or personality. I mean it in the sense that there’s a balance. One person may be more attractive while the other is more intelligent, or one person is deeply afraid of being alone while the other has no problem with such neediness. This list could go on but I think the point has been made; without a sense of equality, one person will always be extremely self-conscious. Then there’s the issue of honesty/trust. One person is always afraid to say something for fear of how the other will react, or one person will deliberately test the other simply for their own gains while the other will see it as a game. Others still will say that they want complete honesty but as soon as you try to give it, there’s a demonic outburst of denial. No matter what way you look at it, someone’s feelings always get hurt, so it basically comes down to how well you know yourself. If you know yourself well, then you’re either able to defend the unjustified claim in a calm, collected manner, or take the honest critique and try to make adjustments in your own life to improve yourself as an individual and ultimately, improve the relationship. I merely think that being honest about how you feel can reduce that hurt in the long run. But please, don’t try to “sugarcoat” it. Sugar only adds unnecessary confusion to the mix.  I’d rather have the hard truth than waste time thinking everything is ok. If you can be up front and honest with me, I’ll do you the same courtesy, simple as that. No? Still don’t want to hurt that person’s feelings? Chances are they’ve been hurt before by someone else so now you’ve either become just another asshole to them, or you move on and become more comfortable with the way things are progressing. That’s how a relationship could become “easy” to me. (Besides those couples of course who say relationships are supposed to be easy while their relationship has been anything but.) Then there’s the issue of sexual affairs and how it almost seems to be an inevitability that someone is bound to “cheat”.  Yes, there’s always a reason or an “excuse” depending on how you look at it, so then why be surprised when it happens to you? Why get jealous? Shouldn’t that tell you a little bit about humans in general? Could it tell you that perhaps, just maybe, we’re not meant to be monogamous and that for the majority of the population, it’s near impossible to do so? But then it’s like this, if you’re always expecting the worst in people, you’re going to be constantly surprised by someone who is genuinely nice and doesn’t want to play games or be tested. So then you feel like an idiot for expecting the worst while the other person can’t wrap their head around why you’d be thinking these terrible, untrue thoughts. This then all brings us back to the discussion of honesty. So why not give up as many dark/dirty/painful secrets as makes sense sooner rather than later? Wouldn’t it then be easier to understand why someone reacts/behaves in a certain way? Chances are that person may be able to relate to you more than you think, especially considering the magnitude of the human population.  Or at the very least, despite whether or not you stay together, give an honest explanation for the way you behaved after you feel you’ve been hurt/attacked because then that person may actually learn from their mistakes instead of wondering what the fuck they did wrong and hopefully breaking the cycle of pain. I write these contemplations because I don’t want to become a cynical, bitter, jaded college grad joining the rest of society, but the more I come to find out about this world, the harder it is to deny such sentiments.

We Are Scientists - Tonight

"Oh tonight, I promise to, remember that making promises is always a mistake"

Song of the day brought to you by The Decemberists

Song of the day brought to you by The Killers

Forever Mine - Mash up poem written in high school

You are like my soul; a butterfly of a dream
Dark river-beds where the eternal thirst flows
And weariness follows, and the infinitive ache.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost you
I have said that you sang in the wind, songs eternally in flight
And this is all.

In the distance, you sing, in the distance
And I am happy!
Happy that it's not true
Happy that you are forever mine

You Make me Feel...

(wrote this a while back)

...like I'm the only boy in the world...

Dead when you're away - mundanely trudging through the sludge of life
Alive when you're near - everyday obstacles are easily conquered

...like a million dollars...

Walking, talking cliches of destined, star-crossed lovers
Powerful enough to do as we please

...like it's us against the world...

We're fighting for Survival
In a place that doesn't want to be Saved

...things I find't know existed...

Words like Love and Trust never held such weight
My Desires and Experiences are NOTHING without you to share them with

...complete